Wandering of a lonely heart

She kept walking on the dark, abandoned street...nothing could have stopped her today...she had had enough...all her life, she was neglected and hated by everyone around her...

only because I am black, I am unlucky? My neighbours do not wish to see my face...I have been an orphan all my life, no idea about my parents whatsoever, maybe its my colour the reason that they deserted me...hated and feared by everyone all the time, I have been eating food if there was some left-over thrown inside the dustbin dumped at the end of the street making sure nobody spots me...this has to end and it has to end today. It can't go on like this forever.....

but she had decided she would not cry tonight, not anymore...her crying days were over...she will face this world like everyone...she won’t hide away from people...she looked up in the sky, it was a cloud-less and moon-less clear sky...wind was blowing like a trumpet , shaking the trees and making the leaves sing too...she had relinquished the fear of anything...life had taught her not to be scared of anything anymore...life is the best teacher afterall they say....she was looking very beautiful tonight...the night had accepted her like a mother, making her look like itself...

she was unaware when she had hit the main road.Today was the day of her resurrection. She was humming her favourite tune, the only tune she had known all her life...she was in her own world, roaming free for the first time...luckily there was nobody on the road too...maybe its past midnight, she thought...she smiled to herself...she was so happy to be roaming around freely that she did not notice the loud noise approaching her...a car came from behind in a full speed and hit her...it was so fast that the driver did not even realise that he had banged the car into somebody and without stopping, he zoomed away...

she flew high in the air and fell on the ground few feet away with a low thud...the pain was cumbersome and unbearable...she knew her end was almost there...her heart screamed out in pain, cursing god for giving her such a horrible life...and now she is gonna die in such a manner that nobody will know about it...she will not get a proper burial, but she will be the food for the stray animals and birds; she dreaded the scene...she tried to scream, but the only word came out of here mouth was

meow...

If you people are puuling your hair after reading this maybe its time for a reality check......but before about the story.....I had nothing to write and was getting bored so just thought of it and came up with this in 15 mins time. Though it didn't shape up as the way I would have liked it to but I just posted whatever came to my mind......:D

Bullet time(*)

The other day I was watching this really nice TV series, Hustle(this has nothing to do with this article) and it got me thinking about the "bullet time". In the series it is used as an occasional tool
by the bunch of con-players to actually explain what's going on to the viewers.

Anyways, Wiki defines bullet time as "a digitally enhanced simulation of variable speed (i.e.slow motion,time lapse etc…) photography characterized both by its extreme transformation of time and space". That is everything around you just sort of stops or moves at a pace far lesser than you do. For geeks, this means "one second" in others reality means a lot more time than that in your reality.Talk about making the most of one second. I was just wondering if this sort of thing isn't limited to just movies fantasy etc and maybe possible in our real lives too. I mean we are all having a busy day with hardly any time to even catch our breath, by the use of bullet time we would all be fine without much troubles that way. And ya, what about the night before exams??Everybody would love it. Of course it would be banned in sports but elsewhere it would be quite handy. When the day is not quite up to your liking you can always think about where it is going wrong without wasting any time and would correct it almost instantly. What a revelation it is going to cause to this world!!!

But when I look at it the other way round I think only a loser, a pure-sure loser would opt for such a thing to make some difference in his life. Nobody who is willing to fight it out would prefer such a thing in his daily lifestyle. This sure acts like a shortcut to make your life easy but at the same time this may cut your life as well. Counting on the bad points there are many of them and better off if they aren't stated. But ya it might end up making us more handicapped as opposed to the freedom we have got. Gosh, why doesn't anyone makes a movie on it anyway???

P.S. I wrote this thing as a part of blabbering as I had nothing to do during these holidays and was itching to get on with something and keep myself busy. And anyways bullet time would never be for those who are already lazy enough to do anything.

An ugly truth

Ok.
I'm really angry while writing this post. I'm really fed up with IIT.
Damn this place. Damn the fake glory it has acquired. Damn the people inside here.
If this is what real life is like, living a life has lost it's meaning in this world.There is no way I'm ever going to adapt this way of living my life. People telling me how to work, people controlling me, I can never bear that(How can anybody else tolerate I dunno). A classic argument that features as I refuse to attune to the place is that I am to deal with the "same" kind of things during my job as well(Wow, somebody else just decided my future and the hardships to go with it!!wonderful and I should be thankful for him being so helpful telling me about that. Please gimme a break.).

Life itself is such a beautiful thing that it teaches you to adapt to any situation. That is why we develop a habit of accepting pain and frustration. But there's a limit to everything. When you start accepting things without even questioning them, when you have become a slave to the system. This is really awful. It is in no way a truth that if a system produces results, it's successful. Definitely not.

That's what I've realized now. It's a mistake to think that IIT is successful just because it produces people who succeed. It's just that the people who get inside IIT are so hardworking, so focused, and the "spirit" of mutual competition in here. But inside IIT, presence of mind and focus is preferred over hard-work or sheer interest. It's just that even if you are better than others in a thing, you are let down by others, who put in a minimal effort and still get better results than you. I know people who spend time over movies, music, and God ( Who doesn't exist) knows what, and still perform better than hardworkers. Is this what it is all about? Is it just presence of mind? Is it just going to a place and solving worthless problems with full concentration? Is it just about how fast your brain recognises things and processes them? Is it not about effort, is it not about dedication, or interest, or enthusiasm?

It all boils down to this: Some "extra-intelligent" people have collectively decided that certain things are right, others are wrong. They judge people on the basis of this. They think their perception is flawless and unchangeable. They do not appreciate qualities in people which they think aren't "Important"(Ofcourse important only includes how good you are at cramming formulas for useless things no matter how much you have understood.). That's the way this world is. It conforms to its norms. It doesn't realise that keeping norms is the worst way to live your life. You should excel in whatever you're doing, no matter what it is (of course, you should do something which serves humanity). But don't be bogged down by obstacles in your ways. That's what I try to explain to myself when I get in these moods. But it's really tough to calm myself. I cannot help it.

In the last post I mentioned the freedom one gets in a hostel. But hang on, that is just an illusion. We complain about the mess food, and in all its warden deciding the menu for us(he even checks if the menu is too "oily" or not. Maybe we all have "hidden" high cholesterol ailments we dont even know of.). The level of teaching here can drive anybody, however enthusiastic he is for studies, to bunk classes(exceptions exist in both level of teaching and those "anybody"). And about acads, oh man!! Nothing pertaining to the basics and the concept based learning but maths in everything. The research oriented studies that were once a part of curriculum have now been scrapped. They focus on producing better machines that would serve well for the companies. But still everyone out here is "proud" to be in IIT. What is the proud all about I wonder. Everyone outside thinks life is cool as future is "secured". And a question I am left asking to myself is this was what I really wanted!!!A life like a machine!! The answer is obvious but the solution nowhere near in the vicinity.

IITK life

Summarizing how I spent the first two months here with a succinct article.
The "30th" tale

30th April: There I was, relieved and flying 3 days after appearing for JEE and AIEEE. No more anybody asking me to study or being told not to do this and that, now I was like a free bird waiting to wander in the sky and ofcourse offering deaf ears to everybody.

30th May: Mum is the happiest I have seen her in the recent past. Even dad is showing some(not same) emotion. Reason finally after two years of hard work, as I would call it, I was selected in JEE with a not-so-respectable but an ok rank. I was going to IIT.

30 June: I got the destination everybody wanted me to go-IITK in a stream I was enthusiastic, if not craving for, about. Again mum was happier and so was dad.

30 July:Having past a week in the hostel I was nowhere near happy. Is this the place everybody is so desperate to come to that he forfeits the last two glorious years of his school life(mind you 11th n 12th are the most cherished days in the life for anybody who went to school regularly.) 2 guys in a room of size of a prison cell(ironically only one in a cell) and a bathroom kilometers away. After 17(lim-->18) years of living a luxurious life this is where I end up. Whats more- half a week into classes and I am already hating that-quite poor level of teaching. My adulation for maths gone already.Infact its more of a hatred;same with physics .Was this my fate??? I regretted. but it was too late. And what more in hostel some so called "interaction" with seniors ensuring us it was anything but ragging and we were hardly allowed to speak in front of them. Amidst all of this just consolation of having an entirely new group of friends in the wing.

30 Sept: Hell ya, I turned out wrong and was cursing myself!!for cursing IITK. What a life it is here. Such freedom, I was craving for years was finally there and I was cherishing every minute of it. Those late night hangouts, parties after midnight and friends so fun to be with; cracking jokes, making fun of each other, bunking classes, talking about anything anytime, that's the fun quotient at IITK. We have so much to do and 24 hrs aren't enough. Now as I discover seniors are nice too and there is more to them than screaming. Oh boy! time flies like anything here. And I actually wanted to stay here for more fun rather than going home for dusherra(needless to say 7 days at udaipur it wasn't so much fun.). But ya, teaching, well it is the same and will remain the way it is for eternity. And so is maths now. One thing is for sure I definitely love this place. I love IITK.

Is everyone that bad?

An article from times life TOI sunday 23rd august 2009:

Is everyone that bad?

Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies… that seems to be the mantra after the show that’s blown the lid off what lurks in our minds

Vinita Dawra Nangia
TIMES NEWS NETWORK

MAMMA, is everyone really that bad?” This question from my son as we watched Sach ka Saamna forced me to face truth of a different kind. I didn’t really know how to answer him, because if participants of the game show are a sample of humanity today, the answer should be yes, we are a bad lot.
As you watch the show, emotions swing between ‘holier-than-thou’ to cringing to disbelieving to embarrassed to outright horrified! A normal-looking woman from an average middle class background, Meena Shah, admits to having cheated vendors, stolen from her inlaws, beaten her husband, having a favourite amongst her kids, having been on undisclosed illicit holidays and to an extra-marital affair! Her shell-shocked daughter belatedly bangs the buzzer when her mom is asked if she loves two men at the same time!
A jovial roly-poly guy, the kind you would trust as a family friend, Bhavin Lakhani, easily admits to having lascivious thoughts regarding his wife’s friends, having friends who have underworld connections, keeping secrets that could blow the top off his marriage, suspecting his wife of infidelity and claiming he would forgive her trespasses on the wrong side of the marital bed! His wife bangs the buzzer when he is asked if he has made out with two prostitutes while married, in a way confirming he has! The host asks him if he has ever paid to get anyone killed. This is the point at which my disillusioned, suspiciously bright-eyed son turned towards me and asked in a scared voice, “Mamma, is everyone really that bad?”
Yes son, I guess. That bad. If your average uncles and aunties, the kind you see and meet everyday, can take away the dreams from your eyes by revealing their true selves, we must be that bad!
The compulsions of the participants — either love of money or recognition, no matter how questionable — seriously challenge our value system. How many of us can bear hurting those we love just to gain money or fame? I refuse to believe that foundations don’t shake and marriages don’t break once a participant has been on the show. It is just not possible! But then that’s a choice participants make.
What bothers me more is what this show is doing to us on the other side of the camera! There is no doubt the show sets into motion a degree of discomfort in bedrooms across the country. Each one of us faces the question that Rajeev Khandelwal shoots to the participant. Each one of us also empathises with the spouse sitting on the edge of the stage. And the degree of discomfort increases with questions that strike closer home, as some of them are bound to do! After all, how many of us can claim not to have done any of the shocking things or having nursed any of the horrific thoughts that participants lay claim to?
The show with its mix of truth and lies, its trial by ordeal, reaches out beyond the television screen to shake up more lives than intended. A friend’s uncle, while watching an episode where a wife admits to having murderous thoughts about her husband, asked his wife, “Have you ever thought of killing me?” Imagine his shock when after a dramatic pause, the hapless spouse replied, “Yes, I have actually…” Unable to control his shocked reaction, the man actually beat her black and blue. Well, at least we don’t blame her for murderous thoughts!
Another man in Greater Noida, after playing a game of Sach ka Saamna with his wife, reportedly hung himself because he couldn’t reconcile to her revelation of an affair before marriage! A colleague’s brother and wife ended up fighting bitterly while watching Sach Ka Saamna after the wife burst out, “All men are bastards!” Reportedly the aggrieved husband protested, “I haven’t so much as ever touched another woman’s hand!” To which pat came the reply, “I’m
sure you’ve touched other stuff!”
A cousin fondly asked her husband, “What is the one thing you’d want to change about me?” He held off for some time, then replied, “I want back the woman I married 20 years ago!” So she surmised, there was no one thing, but just about everything about her he wanted changed, leading to a cold war! Guess where her question came from? Straight from Sach ka Saamna!
Facing the truth isn’t all that easy and some truths are best left unsaid. Each one of us has a dark side that is best left hidden from others; revealing our dark secrets can do nothing but cause harm to loved ones. As a young lady puts it succinctly, “There’re skeletons in every cupboard, and we shouldn’t rattle them!” Another adds, “Is there really anyone out there who doesn’t have a dark deed festering somewhere in his heart?”
Another friend protests, “The sin is yours, so
why should the purging be public? It will lead to ugly break-ups and distraught households. If you want to confront your truth, do it in the backyard of your own conscience and repent. You’ve been sleeping around, and now you want to cause even more hurt by owning up!”
Some reality gets reflected in art, but horrifyingly some art has a way of insidiously creeping into our lives and making a mockery of reality. And Sach ka Saamna shows every indication of doing so. We are all suddenly afflicted with the compulsion of scratching open unseen wounds.
This is bound to destroy a lot of relationships... simply because more questions will be asked... and more truths served up on a platter! Thankfully, we all have a choice — stop watching or at least stop trying to lift the veils of illusion; believe me, it is sure to backfire miserably… vinita.nangia@timesgroup.com



well because this is not my own creation maybe I deserve a comment as well.
I think whatever be the circumstances everyone of us has got a darker side. While these revealations sound shocking and horrific but reality TV has got no place for these kind of things. A commercialisation of people's private lives is the last thing anybody would want. While the rest of India enjoys looking into the darkest secrets, just imagine the condition the family would have gone through after the show for a small thing now irrelevant that the contestant kept to himself in the past n now this small truth has torn apart their relationship. And above all questions about those innermost desires are basically nonsense. This type of shows must be banned as we have more to ourselves than watching some other family's secrets splash out n falling apart. If you think otherwise just put yourself in their shoes before enjoying such a magnificient show.

That very day

Here I was, lying on my "couch"(i tried but that very thing cant b called a "bed");miles away from sleep despite having a gruesome n tiring day at a lightning quick pace. Is this what happens here??? Having woke up in the morning in jubilant spirits, the first day of classes had taken its toll on me...its like i never had such a day in ages....classes from 8-5(with a one hr break spent standing in the line in mess for most of the time) and then CPA where my sore ankle did play the required part and then quad...omg.
The last few days were equally tiring since the day we were here but they were somehow manageable.In the morning we reached classes thinking it would be the same as were in Bansal's or colleges witnessed on TV/films. But then, this is IIT. The prof just gave his "intro" as the first few words he said and then just ran away with the lecture at a frantic pace not even bothered by our presence there."Try to ask as many doubts as you can and floor the instructor with intellectual ques!!"i remembered the words said at the orientation(the only speech during which I wasn't sleeping.). The lecture ended with almost no one having come to terms with what was taught. The second lecture was on the same lines. The prof speeded and we slept.The next one-Physics(one of my favs before coming here) followed the same trajectory ;we unnerstood a little bit but it was basically maths and I slept most of the while. The lab was bit of fun but shortlived. Altogether this place had started to disappoint me on the first day itself. "Tomorrow will be better" was all i could say.
Then my thoughts drifted onto the things i had seen in the last few days-gbm, orientation, interaction, seniors, wingies etc. "All that has been said,shown and assured to you is nothing but a big lie. Juniors are r***ed here." were the first sentences of our first gbm we still remember. It was a start of something strange; I could feel it;good or bad I was about to find out.

The First steps....

"When you can see the destination, don't think you are near; because the hurdles have just started coming."
aha
the first entry!!the thought of having my own blog prevailed since i got into habit of reading blogs.I tried but it did go down as one of those things which i started and then abandoned(lost my "Midas" touch with words).This first entry does make me feel like a 3 yr old kid on the doorstep of class on the first day of the school;Life has come to a full cycle. From a child prodigy to "the next big thing" to a ever smiling kid to to finally clearing the JEE; life has given me all the talents I require.
But here it is-at the very place that boasts of grooming country's finest talents "discovered" by a 6 hr JEE paper, i am now a mere witness to others success(not that i am jealous of them).

So welcome to this small world of an IITian, the land where the country dreams to be(and just respect us for being there), but why?? Hence a look at the proceedings here that i encountered in my first year.....